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“ identity crisis ”
Tuesday, September 9 |7:42 PM

I haven't been too good these days. I've been struggling to find my purpose in life. Have you found your purpose?

I don't know why but this issue has been affecting my mood. I don't think any one of my age will be in the right mind to be thinking of her/his purpose in life when they're supposed to be mugging like hell for prelims/o levels.

I haven't found my real purpose in life and that is really bothering me.

I broke down and cried countless times because of this.

Arghhhhhhh.

I've found temporary purposes/escapes in the past. Idolising celebs. I know that is bad because they are temporary escapes and when I stop idolising, I find that I can't find my purpose in life. Ironically, I do not know how does my existence affect the celebs or what is my purpose for idolising, but it has served as a temporary escape. Maybe because I was too involved in knowing their information/news that I totally forgot about my purpose. ;x Maybe that took my off for a while? I don't know.

Few years back (woah I sound old), I found myself in a similar situation. I didn't know what I was living for. I'm meaningless. Who would care if I died? Would anyone cry or shed a tear for me? Would my mother even cry? Would she be sad? Or maybe happy because she doesn't need to pay for my expenses anymore? A load off her burden? I'll just live everyday without anyone knowing my existence, without anyone caring for me... I was that pessimisstic. Ah well, then I found a temporary escape... lol, wangzi/bbt.

Yeah, I was too caught up with him so I didn't care about my purpose (again), that caught myself occupied for the past 9months+++. I tried to avoid talking about him because I want to concentrate on my studies. & since I see him lesser now,(arghhh, stupid andy ge) the craze isn't that huge now. Oh, but I still do like him. (:

As much as studying gets into my life, I lose interest in many things I used to like. There was a time when studying/revising has blended into my normal routine, but after this one week break, I realise I've kinda stopped studying. The more I study, the more I lose the real me.

I'm so confused. I don't get the purpose of life. All I do is study study study, study so hard to earn money, earn money to spend on nice clothes and get a good life, and then die when I'm old and sick.

The fear creeps into me. I cry when I start studying but yet I do not find interest in watching the tv or using the computer. (I am crying as I'm typing this)

Arggghhhhh. I don't know where I'm getting to. I fear failing.
I fear life.
I fear everything.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say now.
I can't find a purpose in life & learning.

Yes, that is it.

I can't find a purpose in life & learning.

It is just to let me live a better life. I am not motivated to... oh wait I can email candice. (off to email candice,) Oh hello I'm back.

Seriously, I feel very empty in my heart. Grrrrr. I've cried almost the whole of sunday. I didn't cry yesterday because I was too occupied. And I cried today while typing.

Plus everyone out there is mugging so hard. No one will care about you. The only one who cares will be the one who will bring you trouble, hahah yes for my case.

I'm very vulnerable now.

I really do not know why but I'm not motivated to do anything. I just want to sleep and die in my sleep. I am serious.

Ahhhh I remember Mrs Tay said she felt the same way after graduating from uni too. So she accepted Christ and had faith. Oh welll, that was last year.

Oh I think I didn't mention that I was attend church now. (; But I still haven't found my purpose in life and pastor how preeched about it last week. I don't know if it was the sermon or what, but after that day I felt super demoralised about this issue. I can just sit and stare at blank spaces thinking about my purpose and start to cry...

How?


I am depressed really.

I'm feeling emptiness.

I think if no one can help me I need to write to Aunt Kelly. -.- Ha, she'll be like.. "No, everyone has a purpose in life, don't think that way." -.- Stupid cliche answers.

I miss my mother. I want her to at home now.

I WILL STUDY, BYE.

Argghhhhh, I miss my mother.

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